Admiral Grandpa calls up the Enterprise Taxi Service to take him to negotiate a hostage crisis, but en route he Dorian Gray’s his way back to youth with the help of Serum McGuffin.
Riker falls in love with a hologram. Wesley is in charge of the bridge. The Binars take the Enterprise on a joy ride. Absolutely no one plays any of this for laughs.
Seeking the survivors of a freighter accident, the Enterprise sends Commander Horny Pants, Troi, and Tasha to a matriarchal planet. Riker’s up all night for good fun, but the survivors are outlaws because they spoke up about how men are discriminated against and get no respect! God, these Men’s Rights Activists are everywhere.
Does Data Dream of Electric Sheep? Maybe not, but when he returns to his home world he does a terrific impression of Counselor Troi with his vague sense of the memories of others. As they attempt to figure out what happened to the colonists of this world – which apparently no one bothered to look in to 26 years ago when they found Data – they discover his brother, a giant snowflake, and the true meaning “shut up, Wesley.”
Picard, Data, and Dr. Crusher are trapped in a holodeck program, and not a sexy fun times program like Riker would get stranded in – no, they are stranded in a 1940’s PI story where they get shot at. Luckily, they brought a red shirt.
Deanna Troi has an arranged marriage. Awesome. It’s the 24th century and we still have arranged marriages. So glad that custom stuck around. Luckily, the man she is intended for would rather spend the rest of his life on a plague ship than marry her, so she’s dodged that bullet.
Q offers to make Riker a member of the Continumm, and also to kill Wesley. Riker, for some reason that I will never understand, turns Q down.
Picard has a headache. That’s… that’s pretty much it.
The Enterprise finds a brand new Class M planet and the first thing they do is send Commander Horny Pants down, who reports it’s lovely and the chicks are totes bangable and everyone should get shore leave! At NO POINT is it mentioned that this entire set up is a violation of the First Contact principal. These people clearly have no interstellar travel, and are not “sufficiently advanced” to be talking to people from the motherfucking sky.
Fine, whatever. Wesley tramples some flowers and the Edo proclaim he must die. Because they only have one punishment for any crime: Death. This is why you should know who in the Hell you are dealing with before you decide to just start hanging out on their planet.
Picard has a big decision to make: Violate the Prime Directive and beam Wesley up, or let the alien race he just met without observing if they were ready to meet space men yet kill the adorable moppet – and, hey, let’s also point out that he’s *already* violated the Prime Directive in this episode by beaming an Edo on to the ship to meet her God.
This story is stupid and should never have happened.
The Flagship of the Federation fulfills its true purpose – that of taxiing people around to various conferences and meetings. Picard literally jumps ship with a non-corporeal life form, and when he wants to come back in they have to build him a new body from transporter residue and now I wonder if he has a soul.