S3E4 – Who Watches The Watchers

Some cultural anthropologists are studying a proto-vulcan civilization, and the Enterprise, FLAGSHIP OF THE FUCKING FEDERATION, is on a supply run to them. A. Supply. Run.

Their generator flakes out, Leland Palmer wanders in and hurts himself, and Beverly beams him up to fix him. She’s not a ruthless bitch like Pulaski, so when she tries to mindwipe him she capital-F Fails. He goes home and tells everyone the name of God is “The Picard.”

One of the anthropologists is like “Well, fuck it. They’ve seen us, they have our dude, and they think you are god, so just go be god!” and Picard is all “No! I will not impose a set of commandments on these people!” And, like, why not? They barely have tools. They are not at the level of humanity where you can convince them you are *not* God. I mean, he tries and the episode concludes with them buying it, but I promise you if you go back in like 100 years at least some of them will still think “Picard” is the true name of God.

The rest of the Mintakans think BOB is the true name of God and they celebrate the garmonbozia.

Also, with all the advanced technology, why do the anthropologists have to Gorillas In The Mist this shit? Why you gotta set up an outpost right there in the mountains when you literally could be in space looking at them with super hidden equipment that wouldn’t be as detectable as building a holodeck in a mountain? How did you build a holodeck in the mountain to begin with without anyone noticing? What the Hell was with that backward talking midget?


S3E1 – Evolution

Beverly Crusher is back onboard the Enterprise, and good riddance to grumpy medicine. After a year apart from her son, she worries he’s too adult, all he does is study, and he should be getting in to more trouble considering he’s only 17.

And trouble he does get in to. He downloaded a lot of space porn and now the ship is infected with all sorts of malware and viruses. This threatens the lives of everyone on the ship and a scientific experiment that can only be launched once every one hundred and ninety six years. Of course, being Wesley, he did all of this by creating a new form of life in super-sentient nanites, in his sleep, because he’s a goddamned genius. In case you forgot.

S2E22 – Shades of Gray

Or, “50 Shades of Riker.” A clip show? This series has not earned a clip show.

Riker gets Space VD – or Space Worms, or Space Flu, or whatever – and the only way to save his life is to force the audience to relive painful scenes from previous episodes. Being Riker, these are mostly boner scenes. This makes the Space VD go zoom, so Pulaski forces him to have sad scenes instead. When this isn’t enough, they move on to scenes of violence that end with Riker and his droogs out for a night of ultra — oh, sorry, I changed the channel.

This is simply a terrible hour of television. It’s contrived and pointless and may be the worst season finale I’ve ever seen of anything.

S2E21 – Peak Performance

Battleship! In part because we recently met the Borg, Starfleet has mandated a battle simulation, pitting Picard and the Enterprise against Riker and a Rust Bucket. Seriously, the USS Hathaway is 80 years old. It’s like Jennifer Lawrence¬†fighting Betty White – they’re both totally capable and up to their jobs, but there’s only one of them you’d wanna bang.

Data learns fallibility. Wesley learns treachery, cheating, and improvisation. Worf learns arts and crafts. The Ferengi learn they are just the dumbest recurring enemy on this show.

S2E20 – The Emissary

Sisko! No, no. We are seven long years away from that awesomeness.

The Enterprise is on a super top secret double probation mission, but to get the details of this mission they first have to find a key, a note, and a minor boss – K’Ehleyr, who arrives in a bitchin’ special probe outfitted to transport one person at warp 9. K’Ehleyr is half Klingon, half Human, and all about Worf.

Seventy five years ago the Klingons sent a battle cruiser to the farthest Federation outpost to straight up kill some shit. Of course, the Klingons and the Federation have been besties for 72 years, and the Klingons on that battle cruiser have been asleep this whole time, and are just about to wake up, so whoops!

“Blah blah blah we can’t concentrate on our jobs because we have feelings.” Worf and K’Ehleyr do it just to break the tension. Worf devises a cunning ruse to convince the battle cruiser to play nice, without any bloodshed. Everyone is happy and does the Ewok dance.

S2E19 – Manhunt

The Intergalactic Limo Service is once again moving diplomats from one place to another. There’s some catatonic Antedeans and Lwaxana Troi.

Troi’s mom has the hots for Picard. I mean, she always does, but this is the menopause episode so she SUPER does. Picard does what any human male would do in this situation: He goes LARPing on the holodeck. She spends 40 minutes flirting and eye humping every man on board, and finally settles on a hologram to marry, before telling the crew that the Antedeans on board are assassins sent to kill the whole conference.

S2E18 – Up The Long Ladder

Worf has the measles, because apparently the Klingon’s are anti-vaxxers. The Enterprise saves a colony and their livestock, because what’s a childhood disease story without farm animals? Riker hires an Irish maid, and I think you can tell where this storyline is going.

Then the Enterprise finds a colony of clones, because if we have dirty farm folk we must counter balance with shiny technology. The clones are awful (aren’t they always?) and steal DNA from Riker and Pulaski. Only one of those makes any sense.

And hence we arrive at the crux of the story: the dirty farming colony has no place to live, and the awful clones need fresh DNA. This episode shows Pulaski completely respecting the Klingon culture, just to turn around and parade a whiskey drinking, Irish, backward, farming stereotype as the protagonist in this tale, and then juxtaposes it with the sci-fi trope of the unfeeling, advanced clone. I wish the writers would figure out what the fuck they are aiming for because you get awesome episodes like “Q Who” and terrific side stories like the one with Pulaski and Worf here but it’s buried in a mountain of stupid, bad, rote storytelling that makes me want to throw things at my TV.